Healing Sexual Trauma

María Jesús Marín Lopez

There are moments in life when the soul breaks. One of those moments happened to 7 year old me when I was sexually abused. This experience changed me forever. I remember with extreme clarity how I disconnected from what was happening to me as my mind and soul went to a place far away where I was safe.
A world that was once safe had now become extremely dangerous. Everything was a threat. Protection mechanisms activated in my body, heart, mind, and soul. However, the problem with these protections is that in the long term they didn’t protect anymore. They kept me on permanent high alert. Stress, anxiety, chronic fatigue, depression, and social fears became my own personal fortress which became my jail. “If I make myself unattractive, I’ll be safe. If I hide, I’ll be safe. If I’m quiet, I’ll be safe.” My whole concept of safety was disturbed. To be truly safe you must trust in your ability to overcome whatever comes your way. My false sense of safety was anchored in fear. I believed that if I prevented danger, I’d be safe, and that was impossible. I realised that the safety I was looking for could never come from the outside world, it had to come from within. Safety is a state of mind, a state of consciousness.
I learned that abuse is present in everyone’s life in its diferent forms: verbal, physical, emotional, mental, and sexual. There is no doubt that any form of abuse creates trauma. It’s an invasion that potentially can harm someone for life. Everyone deals with trauma in diferent ways. After the abuse I disowned my body and spiritualised my life. I lost connection with a part of my soul, and I created a reality where being in my body wasn’t safe. Being human wasn’t safe. For me there was a clear separation between heaven and earth. Heaven was safe, earth was hell.
After experiencing sexual trauma, one of the hardest things for me has been to let love in while being in my sexual power. A life of fear and hypervigilance where every man could potentially harm you is not a life I would wish on anyone.
Healing sexual trauma is a journey of many layers and turns. Regaining a sense of safety is not an easy task. Apart from the constant fear and alert, there’s great loneliness and disconnection. Even though to be loved fully is the ultimate desire, to bring down the protective wall is the biggest risk. Fear to be seen, because if you are seen you are at risk. Fear to speak up. It comes down to a leap of faith, a jump into the abyss, knowing that you are always held and guided. 
Sexual intimacy is the glue that merges two souls in the physical realm. This has been my biggest challenge and such a profound teacher. We need to belong to ourselves before we can ground ourselves in our relationships. I’m still working on it.

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